We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
