Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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