I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
