Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
