I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
