I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
