Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
PANTIES FOUND
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
