I'm gonna have a badass scar
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
