Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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