yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
