Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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