How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
