Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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