life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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