I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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