I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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