i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
