I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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