Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
