So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
