She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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