Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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