i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
