In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
