I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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