I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
