if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
