need another drink. this is the easiest way
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Those nachos came to me in a dream
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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