If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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