It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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