my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
