waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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