My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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