I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Still dying that you shit outside
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
