Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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