I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize