Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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