Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
