Swine flu. Run for my life!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
As shirtless as possible
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
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Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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