if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
