No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
