My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
