she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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