Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
