I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
being pregnant is like rehab
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
