it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
