Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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