Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
