Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
