By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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