I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
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Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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