Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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