OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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