I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
